Before you judge me

Before you judge me

Buchcover_Try_hard_to_love_me_neu A deep novel - with a personal dedication from Rev. June Juliet Gatlin, Michael Jackson's spiritual advisor. When Michael Jackson died, millions of people were affected and many felt that there was something strange around his death. In this book you will have intimate insights into Michael's personal world, for the first time in the form of a novel, and perhaps find a new answer. This is about the moving spectrum of feelings behind his dramas - taking into account his spiritual interests, but above all the question as to why ... why did he of all people have to experience disasters of this scale? The touching and poignant story of Michael Jackson as the emotional story of his life: nuances that are so often and readily omitted by the tabloids, his thoughts, feelings, fears, especially in the last two years before his death - are based on details, facts and background knowledge of people who knew Michael personally. Michael always said: Before you judge me, try hard to love me. This is an important piece of truth about Michael – share the thrill, read the book, gift it, review it, criticize it - give the truth around Michael Jackson a chance - let the true Michael live!
Buchcover_Try_hard_to_love_me_neu His heart was racing. He tensed noticeably. It hurt. He was scared. Everything had developed differently than planned. He had no cell phone. No connection. He was alone. His door was locked. And he didn’t know what was going on behind it. Who would open it. What they would do. What to expect. A hushed unease was palpable. Anxious tension. The only sound he perceived was his heart, which felt as if it was beating in his throat, so hard that it hurts. Involuntarily he swallowed as if he could force down the terrible panic this way, calm his heart. To the end he had thought, hoped, he could get out of this. Somehow. Everything was going to be all right.
There were plans. His, those of the others ... and there was God. In whom he had always believed ... who had ultimately always been there. Where was he now? Closer than suspected? Close in a different way than he thought? Damn it, where was Jake?
As always, when his thoughts revolved, he forced himself to think of his mantra. He recited it over and over again to condense the thoughts in his head to a single sentence. Calm, calm. He had to stay calm. Air quivered down his throat as he tried to release the oppression with a deep breath. But with the speed of light panic slipped into his mind again and his heart plummeted down fast, like a crashing elevator. He felt bloodless, brain-dead, an indefinable mass in his brain, incapable of response. Trembling, he lay on the bed.
How many times had he imagined this moment. He had thought of everything just not that the fear ultimately would be so powerful, so uncontrollable. At times when he was thinking about this moment, given his situation and his meager prospects, he even felt something like relief. Finally, this misery would be over! He would be freed. God, free! Finally peace, no more fear, no more heartache - emotions he had felt so often, was tortured by so many times … oh, my God, all would finally be still. And then...to sink into this silence ... forever ... forever protected, always loved ... liberated forever. There were moments in his life, where the desire for this state overpowered everything else.
And now ... now it was time. But what came up in him immediately before was pure horror. A rising of terror, the debilitating certainty that in a few minutes everything could be over.
Searing thoughts of his children flooded him. How would they do? His heart broke when he thought of them. No, he could not protect them. Not anymore. Had he ever been able to? The most terrible realization he’d had in these last months was that he himself was the biggest danger to his children. That it would be better for them if he left. He couldn’t explain these things to them. But he knew of their perceptiveness. It made no sense to pretend - they always knew what was going on inside of him. And they knew that he was suffering, that he was getting worse and worse. They knew he was unhappy. He had seen a selfless consenting in the eyes of his daughter, as if she approved of his moving on. As if she agreed with his leaving, if he wanted to. She loved him so much that she was willing to give him up, if that would make him feel better. Oh, and he wanted to live! Live a real life!

His heart constricted again, out of love, of pain, out of this eternal, never-ending agony that had haunted him for such a long time, stuck to him like tar. Fear - there she was - as always. The black dragon dog that guards the entrance of the gate to redemptive salvation. And yet, in the cold ashes of this fear a tiny spark glowed, an ember of hope, a firefly of folly that kept him from completely surrendering to fate. Noises at the door. His head turned to the side. His eyes focused in slow motion from close to far. His glance fell on the clock on the bedside table. Five o’clock in the morning.

06/25/2009
As if through a layer of cotton, he perceived how the door handle was pressed down, softly, almost gently. With tears in his eyes, he stared at the depressed handle. Whoever was out there hesitated to enter. He heard them breathing, procrastinating, felt the metal of the handle, the sweaty hands, as if they were his own. Then: a deep breath. The decision was made. And as if a button was pushed, a majestic calm settled over him.
It was now too late for everything.
All that was, was hereby over.
He briefly closed his eyes.
And the door slid slowly open.
Buchcover_Try_hard_to_love_me_neu Review 1
To present Jackson from a spiritual point of view sounded to me somewhat gutsy. There are the moralizing tapes by Rabbi Shmuley that frankly, rather annoyed me since they seemed to have a touch of "I’m offended that Jackson didn’t listen to me ". There was the risk of finding a know-it-all scribbling in this book, and the other extreme: Michael is other-worldly and above any suspicion, also lurked. The excerpts on the website sounded interesting, and generated the final decision to purchase. Long story short: I would absolutely support the recommendation of the author to give the book as a gift, especially to those people who until now know nothing about Michael. It is about taking a look at his life from a loving, compassionate point of view, full of excitement and emotion. What Michael had to endure is described so clearly here, how understandable his reactions were and above all, how strong he ultimately was, to be able to endure this life as a superstar. It made me realize once again what a good person he was, and in particular it made me understand this immense sadness that I felt when he died. That I have felt for a long time. But it's also a very challenging book. Anyone who has never dealt with spiritual concepts before or prefers to read 200 - page books may have a problem with it. But the way Michael's story is told, every page is worth reading. Towards the end I deliberately set it aside to save a couple of pages for every day ... and I am reading some of them now for the second time. Pass it on and show people what Michael was really like. He deserves it.

Review 2
This is not a typical Jackson book, but a very attractive account of his story with a philosophical and spiritual basis. Not for people who don't want to think along. And not for the narrow-minded. The story begins with Chirelle, a tourist who meets Michael Jackson. These first encounters lead to conversations that result in them unraveling his life together from new perspectives. And so begins a very sensitive story / reprocessing of the dramas of Michael's life, wonderfully told, with a lot of depth. I particularly like the reference to the spiritual approach to life and the vital question the book is all about: why did it have to happen to him? Anyone who believes that every man is the architect of his own fortune and that, if things go wrong, must work on themselves, will find a very interesting view of things here and therefore this book was new to me, despite the known facts. But you have to be open and should not consider it an easy read. I, in any case, shared the pain, was completely immersed in emotions and shed a lot of tears.

Review 3
In the introduction pages to this book is written "the book's content is based on a fictional story", so while it is a story about Michael Jackson (with mentions of other real people in his life, some close to him, some not), it is not classified as a "biography" or "memoir". But, on reflection, there is quite a bit to be gleaned from this fictional account; i.e., what if Michael loved himself first and foremost, rather than the dissatisfaction he seemed to find in his own life, i.e., his looks, his performances, what if he had not been such a perfectionist and been more accepting and loving of himself, what type of people would have found their way into his life versus the (mostly) manipulators and backstabbers who constantly pursued him and won him over with promises to make him happy? What if he were able to find happiness within rather than seeking it from outside sources? Would he have been more adept at dealing with the evils that sought his destruction? By the way, I found to be particularly thought provoking the chapter entitled "Iceberg: visibility" which is in the final 10% of the book, wherein the author attempts the use of detective skills....very interesting.